Thank you to everyone who left encouraging and supportive comments after my post about Luke’s diagnosis. In the interest of being honest and of fully examining and experiencing this journey with Luke… I wanted to share a little more. A part 2 of the original post if you will...
It's been 2 months since Luke's diagnosis so I have settled a bit. When they said the words Intellectual Disability all I could imagine was a full grown man locked in the mind of a 10 yr old boy. All of my dreams for Luke blew up and all my thoughts and hopes for my “golden years” blew up too. I just imagined Luke never closing his gap and all the things in life he would miss. I had this vision of him being fully dependent on us for his WHOLE LIFE. Meaning full time non-stop care. And that was scary. You WANT your kids to grow up, marry, have kids, hold a job, enjoy life, travel, experience things. And likewise I want to be able to do some Nicole things when I grow old even if that means reading The Time Travelers Wife for the 400th time. (BTW…the movie was MUCH BETTER than the book!!!) It’s my job and my heartfelt choice to dedicate myself to my kids and family but I eventually imagined that I would get to relax just a little. Don’t we all??? After the diagnosis I struggled with thinking that wanting some freedom in my golden years was foolish and selfish.
In thinking back to those initial days and weeks, I was getting WAY WAY ahead of myself. There is absolutely NO WAY to predict...even 10 years from now... how Luke will be when he is 20, 30 or 50. He may be absolutely able to hold a job, live on his own, marry, etc.
After the diagnosis I would burst out crying because I so wished I could meet the "other Luke". The "typical Luke" I expected when we arrived in China. The little boy who would do “typical” things and express himself in “typical” ways. I imagined what he might be like and I ached to know him. That's when God gently told me that there was no "typical Luke". Luke was never intended to be a "typical" boy. That person was someone I created in my head and tried to beg into reality. Luke is Luke. Exactly like he is. It was detrimental to myself to even imagine him in a different way because that is not reality. We will just have to wait and see how God unfolds his story.
In the last couple of months I was faced again with the reality that God’s goal is NOT to have us all be content and comfortable each and every day. God’s goal is to make us into true men and woman of God. And that is hard to understand and harder to live. When I was a young girl I grasped onto Walt Disney’s idea that everything is always supposed to be happy and easy and if anything happens to the contrary then something is wrong. The problem is that believing in that thought process is WRONG. What’s right is that suffering and hardship will come.
And when it does it is important to remember the following:
God’s grace is enough.
God will get you through it.
You will come out of it a better person.
As you can see…. LUKE has made ME a better person. LUKE has brought me closer to God. God has used LUKE to teach me and tend to my heart.
Shortly after Luke’s diagnosis I fell into a “research phase”. That is where I came across the name
Gene Stallings. Mr. Stallings is one of the most celebrated football coaches. He served as the head coach of the University of Alabama Crimson Tide, the Texas A&M Aggies and the St. Louis Cardinals. Stallings was also an assistant coach for the Dallas Cowboys for 14 seasons. I don’t follow football at all however all that sounds quite impressive. It is said that in his early career he ate and drank perfection and expected both of those qualities in his players. No exceptions.
And then he had a son.
His 3rd child, John Mark “Johnny” Stallings was born with Down Syndrome. He says that event changed him forever. Seeking perfection was not an option anymore. Mr. Stallings struggled and he ached and he says without reservation that he was dependent on God. Mr. Stallings participated in a very moving interview which can be heard
here. Mr. Stalling's story of life with his son is amazing and it gives me great hope for what I can accept and the positive that can come out of this situation.
Mr. Stallings once said "If the Lord took me back and gave me the option of having either Johnny or a normal healthy child, I would choose Johnny every single time."
I can say right now without reservation…..
Ditto folks. Ditto.
Lord don’t let me forget in the light, what you've taught me in the dark.
